Month: May 2024

Dad…One of a Kind

Featured

Oh how I miss him so.

Dad’s Eulogy – I wrote and then read my Dad’s eulogy. Writing it, and re-reading it periodically continues to be therapeutic for me as I face all the stages of grief, which by the way, appear when I least expect them. As I was re-reading it to myself today, I decided I wanted to share what a wonderful person he was with the public.

February 27, 2024, St. Dennis Church, Hopewell Jct, NY. 12533

Dad…One of a kind! 

  • As I look around the church, I see a room full of people who have their own Vince stories – and if you are blessed enough to have your own Vince story, you’ll know what I mean when I say you always wanted to have him on your side. 
  • Dad was a devoted husband to mom, the love of his life. He loved our immediate and extended family, and his many dear friends. He went out of his way to work really hard for our family, and helped us with whatever he could whenever we asked. He adored his grandchildren – Christopher, Stefanie, Vincent and Raymond. And in later years, he loved to hear the stories about and watch the antics of his great-grandchildren, Maddie, Logan, Eli, Lily, Peyton, Otto, and Cole. Dad loved his son-in-laws, too – Bruce and his cooking, and Howard and his chickens and gardens.
  • His quick wit, humor, sarcastic tongue, and funny stories were unmatched. Dad was God fearing and respecting, honest, trustworthy, loyal, rational –  a man of high integrity. He had the unique ability to have a consistent overall demeanor of being calm and gentle, and at the same time having a big presence, wherever he was.
  • He had his ‘only him’ way of putting a comical spin to his different philosophies on life. About the medical field, he’d say, “I’m not going to another doctor. Every time you go, they always find something wrong that keeps you going back. So why start!?” 
  • If you did business with dad, even if it was him being the patient in a doctors office, he made you work. He appreciated people more when they could talk and share things about daily life. It was important for him to have person-to-person connections. When he first met one of his recent doctors, he wasn’t a fan. He came out of the office humorously commenting, “I feel like I just went through my first year at medical school. I don’t really like him. I’m not going back.”  During the second, persuaded visit, Dad started chatting with the doctor about mowing his lawn. Well, low-and-behold, the doctor also loved to mow his lawn. The conversation veered toward collecting and rebuilding old cars and trucks. The doctor also had a car he was rebuilding. Then all of a sudden they were sharing ideas of how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey.  After that, the doctor was okay in dad’s eyes. Dad was even caught admitting on his own, “I’m kinda enjoying my trips to see him.” That’s just one tiny, recent story about the life-long lessons we learned from him – this one was people usually just want a human, common connection, and then they can get down to business.  
  • Dad was always respected for being a problem solver in the most logical, pragmatic, and positive of ways. He liked things to be done efficiently – done right the first time.You could count on him for help or advice with most anything in life. Sometimes his help was solicited, and sometimes it wasn’t. If he saw something wrong or that he didn’t approve of, he’d often comment right away. But, then that was that, and the conversation would move forward  One of my favorites of dad’s many sayings was when he stated, in that logical tone, you know – you can picture it  – with his hands slightly raised in the air, with his head moving slightly while looking you straight in the eyes, questioning, “Why are you doing it that way? You might be better off to…” and he’d then go into a quick detail of how to work through most any situation, be it mechanical, anything to do with a home, a business, property, political issues; he was usually spot on.
  • We’ve heard many stories over the years, and actually to this day we are still hearing about Dad quietly helping others in need. He had a huge heart, especially if he knew you needed help or were in pain. He didn’t need recognition for those good deeds, he just quietly did them and moved on in his day. He respected hard workers, and honest, kind people.That’s the kind of person he was. 
  • From the age of 16, Dad belonged to the Beekman Fire Department; a lifetime member. He really enjoyed his time there serving the community, and the social life that came along with it. He held almost all of the officer positions,and lastly was a commissioner for a number of years.  He was one of the main members who was instrumental in getting the current fire house built years ago. You could hear his pride whenever he spoke about belonging to that wonderful organization.  
  • Dad was a model of working hard and playing hard. He and mom shared an awesome life together. They worked as a team, from when they were teenagers and for 67 years – 2 years dating and 65 married. They worked together with all that they did, always running thoughts and opinions by each other. They were each part of running successful businesses. Sometimes life was not at all easy for them, yet they persevered and were able to make do in a pinch. As years passed, they were very blessed to be able to reap the rewards from their hard work. 
  • In the late 50’s and early 60’s, Dad was Franklin D. Roosevelt Jr’s farm manager, on his Clove Creek Farm in Poughquag. A perk of the job was being able to live in a farm-hand house on the property.  So dad had a first hand, daily view of the life of the Roosevelts. He was full of funny and interesting stories about them and their many guest’s comings and goings. He even met Jacki O.  there.  
  • In 1965, Dad left his Clove Creek Farm manager job to start his own construction company. 
  • That’s when he and a couple of partners started Clove Excavators – with just a backhoe. He worked unbelievably hard for about 45 years, growing that business into a fine success often with  40 – 50 employees, and so many pieces of huge equipment – backhoes, loaders, excavators, graders, dump trucks – 10 and 18 wheelers, bulldozers, pavers, compactors, and so much more. I listed these because dad was able to buy, operate, repair or rebuild all of these different types of equipment. That’s amazing! 
  • Clove Excavators built roads, bridges, worked with developers, businesses, and municipalities. He made thousands of connections with people from all walks of life, all over the Hudson Valley, in Dutchess, Westchester, Putnam, Orange, and Ulster Counties. He had a bent for knowing exactly what to do at a construction site. On the rare occasion he didn’t have an answer, he was not too proud to seek the advice of a trusted resource. Wendy, Darrell, Christopher, Stefanie, and I each had the opportunity of working for him at Clove Excavators in different roles at different times over the years. I worked in his office during high school summers – and I got to see first hand all that he did, all that he knew, and all that he handled. He was smart and great at it; a perfect model of how someone can be super successful in a trade. 
  • When dad started Clove Excavators, we moved from the farm-hand house on the Roosevelt property to the beautiful 1804 colonial on Gardner Hollow Road. Dad’s home and property became his pride and joy.  After long hard days at work, he’d come home and work just as hard perfecting his garden and mowing his lawn. Over time, the garden phased out, but he upped his lawn-mowing game when he eventually purchased his John Deere Zero Turn. He had a specific  height and a specific direction he wanted every blade of grass to be, even if that meant lightly trimming the grass, every day to achieve perfection. Mowing the lawn was a great source of relaxation for him. 
  • Over the years Dad could also be found updating, improving or rebuilding parts of the house or his barns. He loved tinkering with most anything you can find in a garage. He especially loved rebuilding his collection of tractors and his antique autos -the model A was one of his first proudest rebuilds. We lost count of how many tractors and cars he bought, sold, and traded. He cherished his time with anything that had a steering wheel, tires and a motor!   
  • Dad loved our hobby farm – he proudly shared his knowledge with Wendy, Darrell and I while raising our  4-H steers. He was awesome at helping us not only because of his work on the Roosevelt farm, but also because he too had been a member of the Dutchess County 4-H Beef Club when he was kid. I remember many muddy spring visits during the 70’s, when we’d hop into his pickup truck and go for our annual Polled Hereford steer shopping trip. The well-rounded life lessons we learned because of him sharing his farming expertise with us – immeasurable.  
  • Our home grown steers also played to his favor, as anyone who knew him knew he was a stickler for fine prime-prime red meat. Along with the beef, his chickens and their eggs, and his pigs with their pork chops and bacon, all made for an annual freezer full of healthy food. He loved the huge garden that he and mom used to plant in the side yard, and was so proud of mom when she used to can and freeze nearly all of our basic vegetables for the year. He had a hankering for eating healthy food, which mom always had ready for him. He loved her cooking. That’s not to say he didn’t enjoy his Wise potato chips, his Breyers Vanilla Bean ice cream, or a piece of chocolate, but his meals had to be healthy. 
  • Another favorite of Dad’s was our many years of snowmobiling. He had so many friends who used to ride together through the fields, all over town. Our yard connected the fields from one part of town to the other. Dad had such fun when the group would gather in the backyard, and share their tales of surviving the bonfires and cookouts up on the mountain, or stories of who had trouble going up or down horseback hill. We even went on long weekend snowmobiling adventures up north – sometimes to Old Forge, sometimes to Lake Luzerne. Dad was always happy at full throttle on his black Arctic Cat Panther. 
  • When we reminisce about our snowmobiling days, we can’t leave out the topic of Dad’s much sought after homemade hard cider.  But at the same time – let’s just leave that topic right here. If you know you know on this one! 
  • Dad loved our decades of annual two-week family vacations to the Daytona 500, and side trips to Disney World. For decades he held eight annual seats for the race. We learned our enjoyment for NASCAR stock car racing because he loved it. Back then, Dad’s all time favorite driver was the king, Richard Petty.  Don’t you remember Dad wearing his Richard Petty black cowboy hat and black glasses?
  • Dad and Mom were pros at throwing parties, including backyard clambakes, picnics, and Kentucky Derby dinners. But a couple of their parties stand out as over the top:
    • In 2004, their house turned 200 years old. So they threw the house a birthday party.They planned for well over a year to have an open house to share their piece of history with hundreds of people from around the Hudson Valley. 
    • In 2009, to celebrate their 50th anniversary, they booked a block of rooms at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal for immediate family and close friends. We all traveled together, almost filling an Amtrak car, from Poughkeepsie to the station underneath the Queen Elizabeth Hotel. We spent a long weekend sightseeing, eating, and celebrating their 50 years.  

Dad was always happy when he and mom were entertaining.  

  • Dad and mom shared many trips around the world. They took Amtrak trips back and forth across the United States, an Alaskan cruise, a longboat cruise down the Rhine River, a cruise through the Panama Canal, they visited Scotland, and flew St. Martin a couple of times.  They loved these travels – but their favorite was Ireland, which is why they visited there four times. They could talk for hours about how much and why they loved Ireland.
  • After returning from their trips, Dad was most happy when he had an audience to share his stories about the people they met, all that they did, saw, ate, and drank. Sometimes they traveled just the two of them, but more often than not, they shared those trips with dear relatives and friends. He adored their decades of wintering at the LaCasta in Pompano, Florida, and all of their friendships they formed there. While in the south, he’d love to hear from us in the north about our snow storms and cold temperatures. He was happier than anything to say, “Well, it’s sunny, about 75 here, and the ocean looks calm today.”  LaCosta isn’t going to be the same without Dad there in the winter. 
  • In more recent years, during good weather when mom and dad weren’t out of town, you could find them, nearly every afternoon, both freshly showered, fluffed and buffed, sitting on their beautiful front porch “pre-gaming” with their four o’clock cocktails, just watching the traffic go by. Dad got such a kick out of the many people who drove by that he didn’t know, yet who all waved and beeped at him.  When he had to miss an afternoon on the porch, often people would reach out to us to make sure everything was okay. I can’t count the number of times over the years that when former colleagues of mine, or even strangers, learned where we grew up, they knew the landmark – the big pretty white house on the sharp turn, in the late afternoon, with the two people sitting on the front porch waving. Even a few weeks ago, one of the sweet nurses who took care of dad said, “Oh, that’s where you live?!  Every time we drive by there, I tell my husband I want to sit on a porch just like they do and watch the world go by.”  Dad loved his self-assigned job of bringing joy and smiles to passers-by, from his front porch 
  • Wendy, Darrell and I learned at very young ages that dad was 99.9 % right with most anything he said, and that if you listened closely to him, and followed his lead, you’d be on the right track. This was him right up through his more recent tough days when he wasn’t feeling well. I’ll leave those stories out, because even though he enjoyed being the center of attention with sharing a good story and laughing with everyone, he really was also a private person. Private, proud, strong, and stoic…a definite member of the teflon generation.  

We could talk all day with each of you, and we could create a Netflix series from all of dad’s interesting, fun, and some unbelievable life experiences. For now, in honor of him, I’ll share his favorite afternoon routine and cocktail recipe. 

  • After your chores are done, and just before you go to take your late afternoon shower,
  • Get out two little 6 oz canning jars to use as your drinking glasses.
  • In each jar pour one jigger of vermouth and two jiggers of vodka –
    • That is – Martini Extra Dry Vermouth, and Svedka Vodka
  • Line up the two glasses, one behind the other, on the top shelf in the fridge to chill.  
  • Head upstairs to freshen up. 
  • After you’re done with your shower and have the handsome smell of Old English cologne on, head back downstairs, straight to the fridge.
  • Take out one of the jars and fill it to the rim with ice.
  • At this point, decide whether you want to add a drop of worcester sauce – depending on your mood (Sidebar – True story this was a recommendation made to him by his heart doctor!). 
  • Pick up your drink, head to the front porch.
  • Sit and enjoy the world passing by, while listening to your Irish music on the little, yellow, old fashioned portable radio. (Although he did recently upgrade to an Alexa speaker.) 
  • When you’ve finished your first cocktail, look next to you and say, “Shirl, are you going in for another cocktail?”
  • Be sassed by Shirl, often about being cute or handsome, then wait a few minutes until she returns from the kitchen with your second of their pre-game cocktails, and maybe some crackers, cheese, or chips.  
  • Between cocktails, it’s recommended, not mandatory, to take a pinch of Copenhagen.
  • Take your time to finish the second cocktail.
  • Then close up camp on the front porch and head inside.   
  • While Shirl prepares dinner, sit at the kitchen table to watch your favorite Fox Five News, and simultaneously scroll through the internet on your laptop to find out what was new with any favorite topics such as local or national news, Rush Limbaugh, politics, vehicle auctions, trains, and anything history.    

We’ll “See you in Chicago;” We’ll “See you in the funny papers;” and “Don’t take any wooden nickels, Dad!”

Copyright © 2024. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.

Remember to Remind Yourself

Featured

Remember to Remind Yourself

Several months ago, a friend sent this text, which I edited to respect her privacy.

 “I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I am not in a good place. So many things are upsetting me and I don’t know how to handle it. I feel so angry. Things piss me off easily. I have too much stress right now.”  

I knew about the things to which she was referring, as she had shared her thoughts on several topics prior to her text that day.  I responded to her with some of what is in this writing. I’ve since added to it, and thought I’d share it in hopes of helping another person – beginning with reminding myself of these things when life gets a bit bumpy.

*****

I’m so sorry you’re not feeling at the top of your game and feel so much stress. The first thing to check is your blood pressure. If it’s high, it can be a contributing factor to feeling ouchy. After that – I know you are often worried about your parents, concerned for your husband, worried about the kids [grown-ups], and worried about the future as you head toward retirement – all rightfully so. Just those things are enough to overwhelm anyone. You’re not alone. Many who are our age and at our stage in life have similar worries. None of our families or situations are perfect. Some moments are better than others, some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others.

Try not to be too hard on yourself or too hard on the people you’re either worried about or angry and pissed off at. The only shoes we’re in are our own. We often don’t know the stresses others have with which they manage to cover up and smile through, or the stresses they can’t hide which are causing them to be cranky.

And then this – on a personal level, chances are that much of whatever is upsetting you or making you angry, you have every right to be angry about. So give yourself a break about being upset. At the same time, keep in mind that this might be one of those times that it’s healthier for you to deal with this not head on, but rather with an understanding, so that it doesn’t fester within your heart. You can’t change someone else’s behavior, but you can figure out why their behavior is hurting you, and then find your way through it from that perspective.  It’s taken years – too long – for me to get to the part where I understand the “why” a situation is causing me turmoil in my heart or mind. I’ve always realized that no one has the right to do so, but it’s that last follow through to the why which can bring peace. 

Over time, I’ve learned that whenever I’m faced with an interference of my personal calm or peace, be it a thoughtless statement or action of another person in situations such as a text or email, on the phone, social media, at a store, in traffic, or at a social gathering, to immediately help myself, I try to remember to  “give myself a breathing pause.” 

This can be done conspicuously if needed, and gives the immediate appearance of being in control of yourself while you go through your thoughts and choose your words. I breathe in through my nose while counting to six, then exhale through my mouth, while counting to six. If needed, I do it a few times. It sets the stage for me to refocus and to keep myself from reacting or overreacting. Then while in a calmer state, I’m able to rationally think through the situation, and attempt to look at it from the other person’s perspective. This is not always easy, but the reward for me is peace, calm, and a settled heart and stomach. In each situation, the sooner I remember that there are more ways to think, act, and react than just my way, the better off I am. It eventually can become second nature to approach tough situations. There will undoubtedly be exceptions, but for the most part, it works. 

In the bigger picture, outside of our immediate circle, there is also enough negative news on any given day – enough to stress out the most calm of people. The state of our country, for the most part, is not in a good place. We’re in the midst of one of the most horrific political situations that has been experienced in many decades, regardless of political affiliation. The many politics and policies or lack thereof, are affecting everything we touch financially. The old saying, “Money can’t buy happiness” may be true, but when everything costs so much more than only a few years ago, the increased financial struggles are more than most people have prepared for and it has caused extreme stress for many people. 

This situation does not help or make it easy for people our age who are retired or trying to retire. Most people in our country have been feeling the domino effect of high costs financially and ultimately emotionally, for a few years. Beginning at the top of the supply chain, all the way down to the customer, everyone feels the financial squeeze. Businesses worry about their bottom line. Employees worry about their jobs. Customers are cranky about the costs of daily necessities. Many struggle to stay happy while enduring such situations; we all have our own breaking points with finances and emotions. Maybe this is your breaking point. 

When you’re at your breaking point, your reality has to know that the only thing we have some form of control over is ourselves, our attitudes, and how we choose to view and respond to our situations. To help myself through times that I know I can’t control or during situations that are tough for me, I trust in my higher power, and pray while saying, “Jesus, please take the wheel.”  Maybe this or something similar could help your heart, also. 

Given all that is going on within our immediate circles as well as in the outer layers of our lives, try to go easy on yourself and your expectations of others. Go easy on yourself while working through how to best handle each of the things that are bugging you, one thing at a time. 

You are a beautiful, wonderful person and friend. Your family adores and counts on your love. You deserve to take any breaks, pauses, and breaths you want or need. Bad days have at least something good in them and most days have more good than bad. 

Now I have to remember to give myself the same advice! 

Copyright © 2024. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.

Forgiveness Does Not Have to Include Reconciliation of a Relationship

Featured

Forgiveness Does Not Have to Include Reconciliation of a Relationship  

In the interest of privacy, I’ve left out specific names, dates, and situational details. Rest assured that if you are reading this, you can trust that it wasn’t about you.  

This was one of those times when I wrote about a situation not to send it to the person, but rather to just to help myself sort through it and to find peace about it.  After I wrote this, I just tucked it away. In reflection, I did find peace and have smoothly moved forward.  I decided that enough time has passed such that I feel comfortable sharing this in hopes that one day it might help another person.  Here goes…

*****

If you are looking for forgiveness, I forgive you. I truly believe that if a person knows better, they do better. But, forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation. I’m not interested in reconciliation in this particular situation. I cannot change you, but I can change my responses. Thank you for reaching out, but I am no longer available to be hurt by you.  

Perception is reality. I don’t believe it’s actually me you are missing, rather I believe you are missing having some fresh “dirt” or “gossip” about me or my family.  I believe you are missing having someone to speak down to. I believe you are missing having someone to judge. I believe you are missing reminding me of any negatives that might be or have been in my life or my family. And, I believe you are missing me sharing so much of myself with you and your family – a fault of mine – I did and gave too much, for far too long. 

I am far from perfect, and sometimes even too critical of myself, but that does not give you or anyone in your family a right to make fun of or disrespect any part of me – my thoughts, words, decisions, my looks, body, face, hair, what I wear, my personality, or how I hug and love, to my face or behind my back, like you so often enjoyed doing.

Right now, what I clearly remember are years of your mean words, judgemental raised eyebrow looks, and negative snippy, sharp comments. I am not missing being spoken to in your condescending tone. I am not missing making phone calls to your home – knowing you or your family are there yet choosing to not answer, and grumbling or laughing about my call. I watched you do it to others; I know you did it to me. I am not missing the feeling of knowing that whatever personal information I shared with you in private was being talked and gossiped about, critiqued and judged by you and whomever you decided with which to break my confidence. I am not missing being pushed,begged,made to feel bad, coerced,manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do, no matter how trivial. And I am not missing knowing that whatever personal situation of mine that I shared with you was being cataloged with fine detail in your mind, and stored at the ready to eventually be slung back at me, in a mean-girl manner, beginning with your patronizing, inhaling statement, “I always remember when…”  

I have forgiven many hurtful unkind things that you’ve done and said to and about me throughout the years. I always forgave you; I always reconciled – your way – for the good of what I thought was a friendship. I picked myself up and brushed off from whatever betrayal you flung my way. I moved forward, forgiving, trusting again that you wouldn’t hurt me.  I was wrong, time and time again. Were there good times? Sure there were some over the years. However, I now realize that you had many more good times than I did, at my expense.  

While thinking through my forgiveness for your most recent insult, I asked myself why, why all of these years did I forgive and reconcile, so many times, generally with you not caring how hurt I was? The best answer I could give myself was that, as a friend, I simply believed it was the right thing to do. I guess I thought I was doing what my religion taught me to do – “turn the other cheek,” you know, don’t respond with an insult or in an unkind way.  I now realize that it was the wrong thing to do, for myself.  It took me much too long to totally understand that although one should turn the other cheek, that does not include returning to be hurt again. Turning the other cheek does not include reconciling. 

This time there is no going back, and no going forward with what I have misunderstood as a friendship. You see, it’s one thing to disrespect me. but it’s a completely different thing when you believe you get to disrespectfully make fun of my family and friends. They might not be perfect, but they are perfect just as they are and they’re mine.  

You had the audacity to believe that you would again get to come out ahead and on top, with your condescending, self-amusing, “Oopsy.” But not this time. It was more than me who you hurt. You do not trump my family, and how dare you believe that you trump my husband. Neither he nor I are perfect, but we’re perfect for each other and together. He loves, adores, and cares for me unlike any other. We’ve been together for decades; he is my everything and I am his everything. You cannot break through that with your thoughtless remarks.

You and I differ on what I believe are some of the most important things in life. Among them are the definitions of friendship, kindness, confidant, trust, understanding, and being a taker vs being a giver. 

I am fine with my decision to forgive you, yet not reconcile.  I hold no grudges, I forgive you, and I wish for you only wonderful things in your life. At the same time, you have severed my trust for the last time, and I will continue to protect my family, friends, and my heart against further hurt from what I now understand to have been your inconsiderate folly. I am no longer available to fulfill your need to hurt someone.

When I see you in public, of course I will wave, smile, say hello, and then I will move along.  Lessons are repeated until they are learned.  I finally learned. 

Copyright © 2024. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.