Remember to Remind Yourself

Several months ago, a friend sent this text, which I edited to respect her privacy.

 “I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I am not in a good place. So many things are upsetting me and I don’t know how to handle it. I feel so angry. Things piss me off easily. I have too much stress right now.”  

I knew about the things to which she was referring, as she had shared her thoughts on several topics prior to her text that day.  I responded to her with some of what is in this writing. I’ve since added to it, and thought I’d share it in hopes of helping another person – beginning with reminding myself of these things when life gets a bit bumpy.

*****

I’m so sorry you’re not feeling at the top of your game and feel so much stress. The first thing to check is your blood pressure. If it’s high, it can be a contributing factor to feeling ouchy. After that – I know you are often worried about your parents, concerned for your husband, worried about the kids [grown-ups], and worried about the future as you head toward retirement – all rightfully so. Just those things are enough to overwhelm anyone. You’re not alone. Many who are our age and at our stage in life have similar worries. None of our families or situations are perfect. Some moments are better than others, some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others.

Try not to be too hard on yourself or too hard on the people you’re either worried about or angry and pissed off at. The only shoes we’re in are our own. We often don’t know the stresses others have with which they manage to cover up and smile through, or the stresses they can’t hide which are causing them to be cranky.

And then this – on a personal level, chances are that much of whatever is upsetting you or making you angry, you have every right to be angry about. So give yourself a break about being upset. At the same time, keep in mind that this might be one of those times that it’s healthier for you to deal with this not head on, but rather with an understanding, so that it doesn’t fester within your heart. You can’t change someone else’s behavior, but you can figure out why their behavior is hurting you, and then find your way through it from that perspective.  It’s taken years – too long – for me to get to the part where I understand the “why” a situation is causing me turmoil in my heart or mind. I’ve always realized that no one has the right to do so, but it’s that last follow through to the why which can bring peace. 

Over time, I’ve learned that whenever I’m faced with an interference of my personal calm or peace, be it a thoughtless statement or action of another person in situations such as a text or email, on the phone, social media, at a store, in traffic, or at a social gathering, to immediately help myself, I try to remember to  “give myself a breathing pause.” 

This can be done conspicuously if needed, and gives the immediate appearance of being in control of yourself while you go through your thoughts and choose your words. I breathe in through my nose while counting to six, then exhale through my mouth, while counting to six. If needed, I do it a few times. It sets the stage for me to refocus and to keep myself from reacting or overreacting. Then while in a calmer state, I’m able to rationally think through the situation, and attempt to look at it from the other person’s perspective. This is not always easy, but the reward for me is peace, calm, and a settled heart and stomach. In each situation, the sooner I remember that there are more ways to think, act, and react than just my way, the better off I am. It eventually can become second nature to approach tough situations. There will undoubtedly be exceptions, but for the most part, it works. 

In the bigger picture, outside of our immediate circle, there is also enough negative news on any given day – enough to stress out the most calm of people. The state of our country, for the most part, is not in a good place. We’re in the midst of one of the most horrific political situations that has been experienced in many decades, regardless of political affiliation. The many politics and policies or lack thereof, are affecting everything we touch financially. The old saying, “Money can’t buy happiness” may be true, but when everything costs so much more than only a few years ago, the increased financial struggles are more than most people have prepared for and it has caused extreme stress for many people. 

This situation does not help or make it easy for people our age who are retired or trying to retire. Most people in our country have been feeling the domino effect of high costs financially and ultimately emotionally, for a few years. Beginning at the top of the supply chain, all the way down to the customer, everyone feels the financial squeeze. Businesses worry about their bottom line. Employees worry about their jobs. Customers are cranky about the costs of daily necessities. Many struggle to stay happy while enduring such situations; we all have our own breaking points with finances and emotions. Maybe this is your breaking point. 

When you’re at your breaking point, your reality has to know that the only thing we have some form of control over is ourselves, our attitudes, and how we choose to view and respond to our situations. To help myself through times that I know I can’t control or during situations that are tough for me, I trust in my higher power, and pray while saying, “Jesus, please take the wheel.”  Maybe this or something similar could help your heart, also. 

Given all that is going on within our immediate circles as well as in the outer layers of our lives, try to go easy on yourself and your expectations of others. Go easy on yourself while working through how to best handle each of the things that are bugging you, one thing at a time. 

You are a beautiful, wonderful person and friend. Your family adores and counts on your love. You deserve to take any breaks, pauses, and breaths you want or need. Bad days have at least something good in them and most days have more good than bad. 

Now I have to remember to give myself the same advice! 

Copyright © 2024. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.

Forgiveness Does Not Have to Include Reconciliation of a Relationship  

In the interest of privacy, I’ve left out specific names, dates, and situational details. Rest assured that if you are reading this, you can trust that it wasn’t about you.  

This was one of those times when I wrote about a situation not to send it to the person, but rather to just to help myself sort through it and to find peace about it.  After I wrote this, I just tucked it away. In reflection, I did find peace and have smoothly moved forward.  I decided that enough time has passed such that I feel comfortable sharing this in hopes that one day it might help another person.  Here goes…

*****

If you are looking for forgiveness, I forgive you. I truly believe that if a person knows better, they do better. But, forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation. I’m not interested in reconciliation in this particular situation. I cannot change you, but I can change my responses. Thank you for reaching out, but I am no longer available to be hurt by you.  

Perception is reality. I don’t believe it’s actually me you are missing, rather I believe you are missing having some fresh “dirt” or “gossip” about me or my family.  I believe you are missing having someone to speak down to. I believe you are missing having someone to judge. I believe you are missing reminding me of any negatives that might be or have been in my life or my family. And, I believe you are missing me sharing so much of myself with you and your family – a fault of mine – I did and gave too much, for far too long. 

I am far from perfect, and sometimes even too critical of myself, but that does not give you or anyone in your family a right to make fun of or disrespect any part of me – my thoughts, words, decisions, my looks, body, face, hair, what I wear, my personality, or how I hug and love, to my face or behind my back, like you so often enjoyed doing.

Right now, what I clearly remember are years of your mean words, judgemental raised eyebrow looks, and negative snippy, sharp comments. I am not missing being spoken to in your condescending tone. I am not missing making phone calls to your home – knowing you or your family are there yet choosing to not answer, and grumbling or laughing about my call. I watched you do it to others; I know you did it to me. I am not missing the feeling of knowing that whatever personal information I shared with you in private was being talked and gossiped about, critiqued and judged by you and whomever you decided with which to break my confidence. I am not missing being pushed,begged,made to feel bad, coerced,manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do, no matter how trivial. And I am not missing knowing that whatever personal situation of mine that I shared with you was being cataloged with fine detail in your mind, and stored at the ready to eventually be slung back at me, in a mean-girl manner, beginning with your patronizing, inhaling statement, “I always remember when…”  

I have forgiven many hurtful unkind things that you’ve done and said to and about me throughout the years. I always forgave you; I always reconciled – your way – for the good of what I thought was a friendship. I picked myself up and brushed off from whatever betrayal you flung my way. I moved forward, forgiving, trusting again that you wouldn’t hurt me.  I was wrong, time and time again. Were there good times? Sure there were some over the years. However, I now realize that you had many more good times than I did, at my expense.  

While thinking through my forgiveness for your most recent insult, I asked myself why, why all of these years did I forgive and reconcile, so many times, generally with you not caring how hurt I was? The best answer I could give myself was that, as a friend, I simply believed it was the right thing to do. I guess I thought I was doing what my religion taught me to do – “turn the other cheek,” you know, don’t respond with an insult or in an unkind way.  I now realize that it was the wrong thing to do, for myself.  It took me much too long to totally understand that although one should turn the other cheek, that does not include returning to be hurt again. Turning the other cheek does not include reconciling. 

This time there is no going back, and no going forward with what I have misunderstood as a friendship. You see, it’s one thing to disrespect me. but it’s a completely different thing when you believe you get to disrespectfully make fun of my family and friends. They might not be perfect, but they are perfect just as they are and they’re mine.  

You had the audacity to believe that you would again get to come out ahead and on top, with your condescending, self-amusing, “Oopsy.” But not this time. It was more than me who you hurt. You do not trump my family, and how dare you believe that you trump my husband. Neither he nor I are perfect, but we’re perfect for each other and together. He loves, adores, and cares for me unlike any other. We’ve been together for decades; he is my everything and I am his everything. You cannot break through that with your thoughtless remarks.

You and I differ on what I believe are some of the most important things in life. Among them are the definitions of friendship, kindness, confidant, trust, understanding, and being a taker vs being a giver. 

I am fine with my decision to forgive you, yet not reconcile.  I hold no grudges, I forgive you, and I wish for you only wonderful things in your life. At the same time, you have severed my trust for the last time, and I will continue to protect my family, friends, and my heart against further hurt from what I now understand to have been your inconsiderate folly. I am no longer available to fulfill your need to hurt someone.

When I see you in public, of course I will wave, smile, say hello, and then I will move along.  Lessons are repeated until they are learned.  I finally learned. 

Copyright © 2024. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.

Dear Rising Ninth Graders, 

Congratulations on succeeding in doing what it takes to make it to this milestone!  Your hard work and persistence to rise above a variety of obstacles in order to get to this moment have paid off!  

I am excited to share this milestone year with you; it’s my retirement year!  Like you, it has taken me many years of hard work and persistence to get to this special time in my life!  I’d like to share a few things that have helped me along the way, in hopes that they might help you.   

Have gratitude. You have had years of encouragement from many people who surround you – family, friends, teachers, coaches, neighbors and others in your community. Take a moment to reflect on all that they have done for and with you. Take the time to tell them how grateful you are for their care and support. The character trait of being grateful will always serve you well!  

Be a person of integrity, be positive, and have humility.  By now you’ve learned that things in life don’t always come easy nor are they always fair. What really matters is how you handle getting through those tough times. Look for the good, stay positive, surround yourself with good and positive people. If you fall, pick yourself up;  learn from your mistakes. If you succeed, do it with humility. Above all, do everything with integrity. That is, be honest and hang on to your strong moral principles to always do the right thing. The character traits of being positive, having humility, and being a person of integrity will never let you down as you navigate the worst and best of times.  

Be kind. One of my favorite quotes often attributed to poet Maya Angelo is, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Be friendly, generous, considerate, help others, don’t act entitled, choose your battles wisely, use your manners, smile, and sing happy songs! These acts of kindness will help you arrive gracefully where you want to be in life. You’ll always be able to feel as if you made a difference in the lives of others when you know you’ve been kind in all situations.

Be strong. Don’t confuse gratitude, positivity, humility, integrity and kindness with being too soft.  It takes a strong-minded person to succeed at having these character traits, and to be able balance them with all that life will present to you. As long as you stay committed to working at being a good person, the puzzle pieces for the rest of your life will all fit when and where they should! 

If you’ve had me for a teacher then you know I have a lot of silly sayings. My favorite is, “Act like how you are supposed to be acting.”  Please use my quote as often as you’d like.  It can keep you from looking back and saying, “I could have or should have done different or better.” Best wishes for a lifetime of good health, success, prosperity, love, and joy!  

With fond memories, 

Mrs. Peterson

February 14, 2021

Happy Valentine’s Day to My 6th Grade Sunshines!

As we head into the second half of your 2020/2021 6th grade school year, I wanted to let you know how proud of you I am, and how proud of yourselves that you should be, for doing your best in school during this crazy pandemic time!  Since last March 2020, you have been navigating through something that no other school children in history have ever had to handle.  

Never in history have students, as a whole, had to attend school from their home, while watching your teacher share lessons through a computer. You’ve attended from different locations –  kitchen, bedroom, dining room,  living room, office, stairway, outside on the deck or porch, at a picnic table, on the floor someplace, at a parent or guardian’s place of employment, in a car, at a relative’s home, at the sitter’s/daycare, or even in a restaurant!  The background noise and activity level in your “home-school” locations have ranged on any given day from hearing crickets to not being able to hear our classroom meet.  But, you have done your best with a situation that you didn’t ask for; you’ve been honest, you have rolled with the punches, and you keep showing up, day after day, even when the schedule of daily times is switched up on you, too often. Thank you! 

Your patience with me, your REALLY “non-tech savvy teacher,” has been amazing and beyond my wildest expectations! I truly appreciate your willingness, every day, to help our virtual and hybrid classroom run smoothly by sharing your technology skills and knowledge with me, and with each other.  You have shared without giving it a second thought. Your sense of humor has also truly helped to get me, and some of your peers, through those tech speed bumps. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart!  

Your virtual kindness toward each other has been wonderful! For those of you who have attended hybrid school in-person, I see how happy you are when you are able to “just chit-chat” with your classmates, in the same room. For those of you who are remote, I notice how patient you are while the in-person activities happen; I notice how good you are at, and happy you are while communicating and socializing through your devices.  Your smiles are beautiful, regardless of your location! Thank you! 

Your bravery and the self-confidence it has taken to feel comfortable enough to follow “all cameras on,” is to be commended.  It is not always easy to let others into our “personal spaces” part of life, virtually, like this pandemic has required us to do, me included!  Some of you were comfortable from the beginning…so much so that you’ve taken us on tours of whatever and wherever your personal space is, you’ve shared your pets, your family, and your hobbies and projects. Some of you didn’t start out quite so comfortable, but you’ve (me included) done it; you’ve respected the requests of your teachers and the district, and for that I thank you!  If you are someone who is still hesitant about virtual school at this time – no worries – we each have our own timing for things in life. However, I promise you that if you choose to be willing and flexible, for now, it can work for you, too!  Even virtually, everyone has something special to offer in class. It is working for so many of you, for now, because you’ve chosen to let it work. Thank you! 

I also want to let you know that I appreciate your willingness to accept any guidance and support from anyone at home who has been helping you behind the scenes to: show up on time, further explain your school work, get the work done, help you organize, and make sure you have food and a place to sleep during these tough times. Thank you, my students, for respecting and helping the adults in your life, when you can, in the wonderful way that you do!   

Sure, school this year has been completely different than any of my 25ish years of teaching – but because of your willingness to roll with it, you’ve been able to learn, regardless of what life has thrown your way…and I know so many of us have had some not-so-great things thrown our way this year! We’re all in this together on that topic!

Is life these days traditional and what we expect, are used to, or want? No way! Is this way of school forever?  Probably not.  Has it been perfect? Not yet; it probably won’t ever be.  But in our ELA class, we’ve been able to figure out a way to make it work. We’ve read stories, we’ve had great conversations about characters in the literature we’ve read; you’ve learned new grammar, punctuation, and reading and writing skills; you’ve had to think – yes, in a different and virtual way, but you’ve been able to make it happen!  

Be proud of yourselves for your participation and willingness, for being patient, for your bravery, kindness, honesty, humor, and for showing up daily!  Thank you for being you, for giving it your all, and for helping your classmates and me smile and learn, every day!  We have been able to create a classroom personality that has a wonderful blend of seriousness and silliness!  You are noticed, you are special, and you make a difference! Happy Valentine’s Day!  

With much warmth,

Mrs. Peterson 

We’ll be fine. I feel for China and Italy, but I’m not worried for us. It’s not going to get to our area! Hmm, yes, it is. Actually, it’s here. Memo advised us to take personal belongings home from our classroom in case school closes due to the pandemic. Smack. Shock. This is real. Too close! Surreal. Emotionally paralyzed, of sort?

Plan the work and work the plan. Okay, I’ve got this, no worries!

A fleeting thought, a mention on social media, a press conference on television. Then, whomp, crumble! The whole scene overwhelms me. Tears. Usually in private. Sometimes on my husband’s shoulder. Tears of fear of the unknown, tears grieving and missing what used to be, tears for others who are in pain, and for those who are sacrificing. Tears to release tension. As quickly as the tears come, they leave, in prayer form. Please let this be just a bad dream. Leave all of us. Now. Please.

St. Patrick’s Breastplate Prayer is a prayer for protection. I use my own version of it for a mantra in tough times. God on my left, God on my right, God in front of me, God behind me, God above me, God below me, God surround me. God within me. Repeat until…. Using it daily, these days!

To slow my breathing for refocus – breathe in through my nose count to three, out through my mouth count to six. Five times. Usually works. Then chit-chat and laugh with a family member or a friend who can share a piece of joy, be a positive ray of sunshine.

Sometimes I’ll reach to my collection of inspirational messages. Calm and strength resurface. My current favorite is printed on a pretty purple background, and surrounded by colorful spring flowers.

“And the people sat still and the earth healed and Spring came, flowers bloomed, bringing hope and beauty back into the world…” Okay, I’ve got this, for the moment.

Time to be constructive. Get out of the paralyzed state. Out of bed. Off the chair. Chores. School work. Reading. Writing. Napping. Texting. Telephone. Television – news looping sure can pull you in and down! Video chatting with kids and grandchildren; they’re all fine, so I’m fine. Miss them horribly, but I’ve still got this, for the moment. We’re going to be okay!

Sleep is a blessing, a safe escape, a way to refresh. Sometimes it takes a little while ‘til I remember to use this technique to quiet my runaway mind. I start at my toes. “Toe(s) go to sleep. Heel(s) go to sleep. Ankle(s) go to sleep. Calf go to sleep….” The rule is that the minute any part of my body flinches, I have to restart. The flinch breaks the focus. I usually don’t get beyond my knees. Okay, I’ve got this, for the moment.

I love that feeling when I first wake up. My mind is clear. Freedom from the invisible beast. I open my eyes. Okay, I’ve got this, for the moment.

Questions. It this real? Wait, what? No alarm? I’m not supposed to go to work today? This is real, a pandemic, and I’m not supposed to go anywhere or visit anyone in person, right? Okay, new day. I’ve got this, for the moment.

Wait, what? I’ve got to teach online? From home? Very willing. Beyond leery! Huge learning curve for me with new technology. How can I offer my very best for my students; how can I offer them what they deserve, when this whole scene is overwhelming me. Crumble. Here it goes. Again. Mantra. Breath. Reach out to friends and colleagues. They are all dealing and feeling the same. Okay, I’ve got this, for the moment.

This thing is here to stay for how long? Weeks? Months? Governor says it’s bad. President says it’s bad, but we’ll be okay, soon. Our state has the most of any state? I live next door to the epicenter of this beast? This beast has a rolling epicenter! The whole scene overwhelms me. Let’s turn off the news. Watch a movie for distraction. Prayers of thanks we can distract; many cannot. Okay, I’ve got this, for the moment.

I know, we’re supposed to always “look on the bright side of things,” and realize, “things could always be worse.” True and valid; caution: to be used at appropriate times. These statements should never be used to downplay or minimize someone else’s feelings. During a pandemic is generally not the time to “be right.” It is generally not the time to “take a stand.”

Everyone has their thing. Some private, some public. Our perception is our reality. We each have our own. We each have our own way and timing for dealing with big things. Big. Things. Pandemics.

This pandemic is affecting everyone in as many ways as there are people in this world. Someone might validly retort to this post, “That’s ridiculous, you should…” or “You think that’s bad, you should see….” At that moment the reader and writer, or the listener and speaker, must remember that it’s okay for each person to talk or write through their perceptions, their thoughts and views. Different from yours is okay, for the moment.

Remember to take a breath, be extra respectful, kind, and patient with ourselves and each other’s perceptions. (Note to my Bruce: I promise I will do this for you! xoxo)

Yup, usually there are worse things. Yup, usually there is a bright side. In time, we’ll each find our bright side and be thankful. Acknowledge. Guide. Enjoy. Hope. Love. Positive. Laughter. Listen. Be. This isn’t forever. We’re going to be fine. It’s okay, I’ve got this, for the moment.

Copyright © 2020. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.