Forgiveness Does Not Have to Include Reconciliation of a Relationship
In the interest of privacy, I’ve left out specific names, dates, and situational details. Rest assured that if you are reading this, you can trust that it wasn’t about you.
This was one of those times when I wrote about a situation not to send it to the person, but rather to just to help myself sort through it and to find peace about it. After I wrote this, I just tucked it away. In reflection, I did find peace and have smoothly moved forward. I decided that enough time has passed such that I feel comfortable sharing this in hopes that one day it might help another person. Here goes…
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If you are looking for forgiveness, I forgive you. I truly believe that if a person knows better, they do better. But, forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation. I’m not interested in reconciliation in this particular situation. I cannot change you, but I can change my responses. Thank you for reaching out, but I am no longer available to be hurt by you.
Perception is reality. I don’t believe it’s actually me you are missing, rather I believe you are missing having some fresh “dirt” or “gossip” about me or my family. I believe you are missing having someone to speak down to. I believe you are missing having someone to judge. I believe you are missing reminding me of any negatives that might be or have been in my life or my family. And, I believe you are missing me sharing so much of myself with you and your family – a fault of mine – I did and gave too much, for far too long.
I am far from perfect, and sometimes even too critical of myself, but that does not give you or anyone in your family a right to make fun of or disrespect any part of me – my thoughts, words, decisions, my looks, body, face, hair, what I wear, my personality, or how I hug and love, to my face or behind my back, like you so often enjoyed doing.
Right now, what I clearly remember are years of your mean words, judgemental raised eyebrow looks, and negative snippy, sharp comments. I am not missing being spoken to in your condescending tone. I am not missing making phone calls to your home – knowing you or your family are there yet choosing to not answer, and grumbling or laughing about my call. I watched you do it to others; I know you did it to me. I am not missing the feeling of knowing that whatever personal information I shared with you in private was being talked and gossiped about, critiqued and judged by you and whomever you decided with which to break my confidence. I am not missing being pushed,begged,made to feel bad, coerced,manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do, no matter how trivial. And I am not missing knowing that whatever personal situation of mine that I shared with you was being cataloged with fine detail in your mind, and stored at the ready to eventually be slung back at me, in a mean-girl manner, beginning with your patronizing, inhaling statement, “I always remember when…”
I have forgiven many hurtful unkind things that you’ve done and said to and about me throughout the years. I always forgave you; I always reconciled – your way – for the good of what I thought was a friendship. I picked myself up and brushed off from whatever betrayal you flung my way. I moved forward, forgiving, trusting again that you wouldn’t hurt me. I was wrong, time and time again. Were there good times? Sure there were some over the years. However, I now realize that you had many more good times than I did, at my expense.
While thinking through my forgiveness for your most recent insult, I asked myself why, why all of these years did I forgive and reconcile, so many times, generally with you not caring how hurt I was? The best answer I could give myself was that, as a friend, I simply believed it was the right thing to do. I guess I thought I was doing what my religion taught me to do – “turn the other cheek,” you know, don’t respond with an insult or in an unkind way. I now realize that it was the wrong thing to do, for myself. It took me much too long to totally understand that although one should turn the other cheek, that does not include returning to be hurt again. Turning the other cheek does not include reconciling.
This time there is no going back, and no going forward with what I have misunderstood as a friendship. You see, it’s one thing to disrespect me. but it’s a completely different thing when you believe you get to disrespectfully make fun of my family and friends. They might not be perfect, but they are perfect just as they are and they’re mine.
You had the audacity to believe that you would again get to come out ahead and on top, with your condescending, self-amusing, “Oopsy.” But not this time. It was more than me who you hurt. You do not trump my family, and how dare you believe that you trump my husband. Neither he nor I are perfect, but we’re perfect for each other and together. He loves, adores, and cares for me unlike any other. We’ve been together for decades; he is my everything and I am his everything. You cannot break through that with your thoughtless remarks.
You and I differ on what I believe are some of the most important things in life. Among them are the definitions of friendship, kindness, confidant, trust, understanding, and being a taker vs being a giver.
I am fine with my decision to forgive you, yet not reconcile. I hold no grudges, I forgive you, and I wish for you only wonderful things in your life. At the same time, you have severed my trust for the last time, and I will continue to protect my family, friends, and my heart against further hurt from what I now understand to have been your inconsiderate folly. I am no longer available to fulfill your need to hurt someone.
When I see you in public, of course I will wave, smile, say hello, and then I will move along. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. I finally learned.
Copyright © 2024. Suzann Peterson. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this text or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher.
